Puppeteer

I used to be a puppeteer
to lose this role, my greatest fear.
I knew which strings to jerk and tap
to assure that everything fell in my lap.

As long as my puppets react as they should,
then I can say that I am good.
So with my attention focused and narrow
I stare down at the stage; my life is the show.

Act one begins with my favorite song,
my puppets dance and the crowd sings along.
They watch my puppets, lost in the show.
They think I’m great, they can’t see me though.

Slowly but surely, my puppets begin to twitch,
I start to grow nervous and my skin starts to itch.
Then all together they stop responding!
Panic sets in as everyone’s watching.

I manipulate strings to try and resist,
but the chaos is heightened, my efforts are useless.
restrained by those strings, I become tangled
and the more I fight, the more I’m strangled.

I fall down to the stage a tangled mess,
I crushed my puppets and strings snapped from the stress.
On the stage I stand exposed,
I’ve never been seen

I stare in shock as it all falls apart,
every security built up in my heart
leaves me suddenly, I fall over breathless;
a surprise ending with an expert actress.

The Great Pretender, I was deceived!
I created the lie I believed!
I turn for help, running fast
but all of my comforts have turned to ash.

I am coming undone, there is nothing left.
My pursuits discard my soul bereft.

I see all of my pawns and fancy cliches
are weak when it comes to upholding my days.
the contrivances and high expectations
all caved in with the slightest frustration.

My eyes close from the sting of tears
that well up from my searing fears,
which flood into my mouth and spill
out on the ground, and leave me still.

I used to be a puppeteer, but now their strings bind me.
So I lay helpless as I wait for peace to come and find me.

My calloused heart cracks and bleeds,
for to lose control is what I need.
to lose myself brings so much pain,
but I know the worth of what I’ll gain.

It finally does wash over me,
purges doubt and sets me free;
This peace that comes from knowing Him truly,
He’s shown His face, and this alone renews me.

A puppeteer I am no more.
Lay all my strings down on the floor,
at His feet, where I sit in awe,
in grace and security that leave me raw.

broken hallelujah

Jesus is for the helpless. The despairing, hopeless, weak and lonely.

When this is not where we are, we forget. We forget how helpless we still are apart from Christ even when we’re as satisfied as ever in His salvation.

I recently spoke with a friend who is there and I remembered. We feel so lonely when we’re overcome with sin and guilt and the reality of our binding iniquity is all we feel; that’s where Jesus is though. He is with you, for you. If this is where you are, or even close, (the internet is a big place, so I’m hoping someone who needs this is reading) you are not alone, Jesus is so close to you. In this loneliness it’s hard to face our brokenness and much easier to hide. How could we be okay? How could things ever be okay? So we run… but I’m telling you, there is so much deep and sincere love for you to rest in. There is so much grace for you, more than you need! Enough for a double cure: you’re saved from wrath AND made pure!

My sin should be binding! It should lead to me standing all alone, naked and ashamed, facing the relentless wrath of The One I betray. But God, because of the GREAT love with which He loved me, made me alive with Christ – by grace I have been saved.

There are things in my heart that I don’t know of yet, that will creep up and try to threaten my security and peace in Christ. They’ll be strong and scary, but my Savior’s love is stronger and His power something far more frightening. His love for us runs deeper than the deepest and most enslaving idols.

The rebellion that I walk in every day warrants a guilt that will not be deluded by my good deeds and achievements. But because of God’s love for me, that is not what I feel today. He has overcome that for me so that I will never be enslaved to fear of my guilt and sin again.

Jesus has already bled to call you His and make you safe, there is nothing you can do to change that. Just fall on Him, He is closer than your next breath. Sometimes it’s in our most broken hallelujah that the name of Jesus is sweetest to us.

Psalm 51 of David

For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
⁴ Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment.

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
⁸ Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
⁹ Hide your face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities.
¹⁰ Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.
¹¹ Cast me not away from your presence,
and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit.

Psalm 103 of David:

 ¹ Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
² Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
³ who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
⁴ who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
⁵ who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

 ⁶ The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all who are oppressed.
⁷ He made known his ways to Moses,
his acts to the people of Israel.
⁸ The LORD is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
⁹ He will not always chide,
nor will he keep his anger forever.
¹⁰ He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.

He is Faithful.

Grace.

Restored Image Bearers.

This break has been one of the most spiritually refreshing ones I’ve ever had. There have been a few occasions where some of the above women and I (and others) have gotten to spend time together, eat dinner, drink coffee, make a fire, and catch up on life. While we didn’t get to spontaneously hang out as much as past winter breaks have allowed for, each time we did get together there was intentional discussion about God’s grace in our lives and plenty of mutual encouragement to go around. Some of these conversations went on for hours and left me feeling secure in my Father’s love for me and thankful for those who reminded me that I am so. What a miracle!! That broken, selfish sinners can sit down and talk about the grace that saved them from their brokenness and selfishness. That’s a miracle of God to me, but still just a shadow of the miraculous life change God has worked in their lives and mine over the past few years. Even our changed lives are just a reflection of the grace shown in God becoming man and dieing for us.

I so much enjoyed this time with them and will continue to each time we’re blessed to get together, but even grater than this is my joy and the Father’s joy in sending us out into a broken world to welcome others in to the grace we’ve been shown. And even greater than this will our joy and the Father’s be when it is complete, on The Day when saints of all nations are gathered together once and for all into the eternal joy of our master.

Soon, many of us will be moving away and starting a brand new season of life. Judging by God’s grace thus far, I am confident that He is going to do huge things wherever He sends any of my friends. Some will land in a thriving, passionate community of other good and faithful servants, and some will have to cultivate. Either way God will bless it, He will do it. I’m excited to see what unfolds, and to know them after a few more years weathered by grace.

Jesus, we love you so much despite our wandering; keep us close. I’ve never seen anything like your grace, Lord. There is nothing like it. Show me more, show us more every day. Knock our pride down so that we may see. Thank you for your life in my place, it is surely enough.

He gives and takes away

This past week, and really these past couple months, this truth has been on my heart. Whether in my life, or just around me, I’ve seen this truth play out for God’s glory. He’s given me a whole Bible study of girls that constantly remind me of God’s pervasive love that carries us and changes us from the roots up. Seeing them change now and thinking about how they won’t be the same six months from now.  Planning Bible study, sure that they’ve heard it all before and sure that it all depends on me to really drive Jesus into the core of their hearts, and then watching the Spirit move in them right before my eyes and lead the conversation. He’s given me bus rides with one of my housemates who’s character really challenges me, humbles me and encourages me. He’s given me new friendships with people that show me more of God’s character and who push me to loving Jesus more.

Other things that are going on include my little sister being pregnant and everything that brings to my family. Being really busy and having many of my friends extremely busy, thus not getting to see them as much. A great man of God passed away unexpectedly, leaving His wife and daughters and many many friends shocked and mourning. My friend’s Grandma is in the hospital, not doing well. Another girl’s mother is not doing well physically and it’s really hitting her hard.

All these things remind me that the Lord gives and takes away – and blessed be His name. He is still the same, yesterday, today and forever. He is mine forever, no matter what else comes and goes or changes. And in the midst of the taking away He has given me, and many people, much more of Himself. So, we have not lost anything if we gain Christ. I can not lose anything if Christ is mine.

Scripture that amazes me is Lamentations 3. I’ve never imagined suffering like this man describes, and I’ve never dreamed of restoration from it. Surely if this man was redeemed from his pit, we will be from ours, whatever it may be for you – whether now or later. I absolutely see the creation groaning around me, and even I also groan, waiting for our adoption as sons and daughters.

¹ I am the man who has seen affliction
under the rod of his wrath;
²he has driven and brought me
into darkness without any light;
³surely against me he turns his hand
again and again the whole day long.

⁴He has made my flesh and my skin waste away;
he has broken my bones;
⁵ he has besieged and enveloped me
with bitterness and tribulation;
⁶ he has made me dwell in darkness
like the dead of long ago.

⁷ He has walled me about so that I cannot escape;
he has made my chains heavy;
⁸though I call and cry for help,
he shuts out my prayer;
⁹ he has blocked my ways with blocks of stones;
he has made my paths crooked.

¹⁰ He is a bear lying in wait for me,
a lion in hiding;
¹¹ he turned aside my steps and tore me to pieces;
he has made me desolate;
¹² he bent his bow and set me
as a target for his arrow.

¹³He drove into my kidneys
the arrows of his quiver;
¹⁴ I have become the laughingstock of all peoples,
the object of their taunts all day long.
¹⁵ He has filled me with bitterness;
he has sated me with wormwood.

¹⁶ He has made my teeth grind on gravel,
and made me cower in ashes;
¹⁷my soul is bereft of peace;
I have forgotten what happiness^[a] is;
¹⁸ so I say, “My endurance has perished;
so has my hope from the LORD.”

¹⁹ Remember my affliction and my wanderings,
the wormwood and the gall!
²⁰My soul continually remembers it
and is bowed down within me.
²¹But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:

²² The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;^[b]
his mercies never come to an end;
²³they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
²⁴ “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”

²⁵The LORD is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
²⁶ It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
²⁷ It is good for a man that he bear
the yoke in his youth.

It Is For Freedom I Have Been Set Free.

These few summer months have been some of the best of my life. Simply because my heart has been at peace. It’s not distracted and restless; there is a deeper peace and comfort in my relationship with Jesus that I haven’t experienced since I first met my Savior and tasted the sweet freedom that He is. The Word is living and active in my soul, and not as a result of hardship. I feel free from temporal concerns and enslaving selfish pursuits that never bring the satisfaction I seek. I’ve only deeply known His peace and freedom for short periods of time, moments even, but not a whole season of it. In most seasons of my walk with Christ sin has been more of a reality to me than this. This is likely the case for most believers, whether we admit it or not, however when these seasons of contentment and peace come, rejoice and savor them. When they don’t though, don’t look forward to the next season, look forward to the Reward. Indeed we have a beautiful inheritance, far more valuable than any blessing we receive in this world; we have Jesus. But what grace! That He would bless us with times like this to enjoy now, that times like this are even possible on this side of eternity! Thanks be to God through Christ Jesus for all that He is.

I am well aware that hardship and trial of some sort will come, and likely sooner rather than later. But I do not live in fear of that, because I am free. Free to treasure Jesus above my comfort and success, and even above my entitlement to self pity when I’m uncomfortable and unsuccessful. We are free to treasure Jesus above our stuff, above influence, above healthy friendships and community, above the ever wavering number on our checking account, about the security of having someone to marry or be married to, above our jobs or lack thereof. We are free to treasure Jesus above everything, and He will give us the grace to do it – grace shall reign, whatever befall.

It is for freedom that Christ has set YOU free. Stand firm then, and walk boldly in that freedom every day. It will never be taken from you, for it was not bought with perishable things like gold and silver, but with the imperishable blood of Christ. Only let us hold true to what we have attained.

Learning to Treasure

I just finished reading Think, by John Piper a few days ago, and the whole book was very interesting and exposing and encouraging. A great read, so good that I actually finished it! (If you know anything about me, you that I start reading a lot of books and never finish them).

Piper said something extremely profound and potentially life changing in the beginning of the book that I can’t seem to get off my mind. He wrote:

“Seek out and find every reason that exists for treasuring God in all things and above all things.”

This is a lot more practical than it sounds, I think. Imagine if, even just once a day, we consciously did this; asked ourselves, “what reasons do I have for treasuring God in this day, and more than everything and everyone I encounter during this day?”. I’ve asked myself this sort of question in different situations throughout my days (when I remember) and it is surprisingly disarming. It disarms my flesh of the thoughts and emotions and will that I use to serve myself. It dulls my impulse to try to offer sacrifices up to God, as if everything I have wasn’t given to me. When I’m looking for reasons to treasure God, I’m not busy looking for reasons to treasure me, or man.

So seek diligently, faithfully, prayerfully. Seek to know who God is more rightly so you can treasure Him more fully in each moment of your life that He reveals Himself.

“Yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the lord, and find the knowledge of God. For the LORD gives wisdom; from His mouth comes knowledge and understanding.” – Proverbs 2:3-6

Seek understanding, not because in the end it depends on you, but because in the end God is gracious and will grant it to you.

I want to challenge you to do this with me: seek out and find every reason that exists for treasuring God in all things and above all things once a day for three days. You may be surprised at how much you find.

Insurrection

"All the earth shall be filled with the glory of the Lord" (Num 14:21)

“…the task of all Christian scholarship–not just biblical studies–is to study reality as a manifestation of God’s glory, to speak and write about it with accuracy, and to savor the beauty of God in it, and to make it serve the good of man. It is an abdication of scholarship when Christians do academic work with little reference to God. If all the universe and everything in it exist by the design of an infinite, personal God, to make His manifold glory known and loved, then to treat any subject without reference to God’s glory is not scholarship but insurrection.”

- John Piper, Think.

Thinking of, relating to, or dealing with anything without reference to God’s glory and a love for Him awakened by that reference, is insurrection.

in·sur·rec·tion:

[in-suh-rek-shuhn]

– noun

an act or instance of rising in revolt, rebellion, or resistance against civil authority or an established government.

Insurrection  is  Sin when committed against GOD and the establishment of His Kingdom.

This is extremely challenging to me as I realize how often I stride pridefully through my days, quick to note my own fake glory, striving for it or demanding it, rather than being captivated by God’s glory that can be seen in everything He has created. Jesus has saved us from far more than we ever first imagined. His death paid for every moment of our lives, of which most are total insurrection. Some moments though, by His grace, are laced with fragrant passions for Him, sparked by a glimpse of His glory and grace seen in something He created or in The Word He has given us. I pray that, more and more often than not, I will savor the beauty of God in EVERYTHING, not letting my praise stop at the creation, but extend to the Creator; that this will deepen and broaden my love for Him, so much so that I might truly consider everything else loss.